It's Spring Break. I had so many ambitious plans for myself over the break. First I was going to knock out a care plan, then I was going to work on my presentation power point, then I was going to start reading and making notes for Adult Health III, the hardest class in the history of the world. OK, I'm sure astronauts or maybe brain surgeons have harder classes. But this is by far the hardest class I've ever taken.
So like any good, anal retentive student would, I made myself a mental checklist of all the wonderful and productive things I would do.
I have done nothing.
I literally woke up at 2 AM this morning having a rather unexpected panic attack about all the things I have put off. I had to restrain myself from getting out of bed to start working, because I knew that I would not be able to function at that hour and my care plan would probably be a piece of trash. Luckily this morning the feeling of panic was gone and I rearranged all my time slots and checklists in my head so that I might be able to still finish most of the things I set out to do over the break.
And then I decided to get a haircut. Then I needed to do my hair because... well, I had a new haircut. And now I'm still looking at the scattered bits of paper on my desk as if they might spring into life, type themselves out, diagnose themselves, and come up with some amazing interventions for the patient that is represented on the scrap paper. Hey, it could happen.
I am probably going to regret this later, actually I know I will. But I think that sometimes slacking off is actually the Christian thing to do. I am well aware that that theory isn't true many times in our lives. But personally, I don't even know where the last month of my life went. School has been just one thing after another and I'm thankful to even still be passing my classes. It's ridiculous. And something about being insanely busy makes us feel good and like we are doing what we ought to be doing, because we see such obvious signs of progress. And let's face it, sometimes we just like to feel like our lives are so important that we don't even have a minute to spare. I know I feel that way. So I get the feeling that when the kind of people who love being busy for the sake of being busy actually chill out and acknowledge that the world will not in fact fall apart if they don't check off their mental checklist, it is glorifying to God in some way. It's a form of resting in God to provide the end result rather than ourselves. I am not going to pass my class just because I was a good student and spent all my free time reading and studying. And that is as comforting as it is terrifying.
I know that all the stress I'm putting off is just around the corner, waiting to pounce, but for right now I'm at peace. And for that I am thankful.